Despite what most people seem to think, falling in love does not guarantee loyalty — from either party.
Falling in love doesn’t even guarantee staying in love, so even if the apple of your eye is the only apple you see, it doesn’t guarantee that you won’t want to have an orange some time down the line.
Love is a living, breathing thing that requires constant attention and nurturing.
With that said, it’s easily understandable that there will come a time when your loyalty is tested.
There will be a time when you will have to make a decision to either remain faithful or have a bite of the forbidden fruit.
The only real advice is to do whatever it is that you want to do. Only be sure that you know what it is that you want to do. Most people want to stay loyal, but have difficulty continuously find a reason to do so. Here are eight ways to help you make the right decision:
1. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND OTHER PEOPLE ATTRACTIVE.
People do not get uglier the second you find yourself in a relationship. Hell, if anything they get more attractive over time, as people are attracted to novelty.
If you’ve been sleeping with the same person for years and years, guess what — that 5 starts looking like a 7 because, although you’ve been having a 9 or 10 daily for the last half decade, you miss the unknown.
We like mystery. We like variety. We like to have our cake and eat it too. This will never change.
Therefore, your only options are to either be a cheater and risk breaking your lover’s heart, to break up with your partner, or to figure out a way to accept reality as it is and continue to love the person who has been there for you for the longest time.
2. REMEMBER THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE REALLY BAD IN BED.
Most people either don’t know up from down or don’t care enough to bother joining in on all the fun. I speak from experience.
Living in New York for all these years and mingling with women from all over the world, I can tell you for a fact that most of the sex you’re going to have will not be worth having.
Even if the person isn’t especially bad in bed, if you don’t have that connection, then the sex will always be subpar. The best sex is when you both feel that you own a piece of the other person.
This requires both individuals to open up and allow themselves to be taken. This is rarely the case with one-offs.
3. UNDERSTAND WHY IT IS THAT YOU LOVE THAT SOMEONE, WHAT THAT PERSON MEANS TO YOU AND WHY YOU CAN’T LOSE HIM OR HER.
I will give you a piece of advice that I wish someone gave me when I was in my early 20s and head-over heels in love: Logic is your very best friend.
I know that it may sounds backwards, but if you think about it, the only way to have control while partaking in the insanity that is love, is to look at things as objectively as possible.
Sometimes you need to put your emotions and feelings aside and consider what exactly is going on, why it’s happening, and what you should do to get the result that you want.
Most importantly, you need to know what it is that you want and why you want it. If there is an ideal — a true ideal — then aim for that and nothing else.
Avoid putting yourself in compromising situations. Just say no. For example, I recently started seeing someone and although I can’t say it’s especially serious just yet, I don’t want to put myself in a situation in which I jeopardize the possibility of something serious emerging.
For this reason, when half an hour ago I got asked by an old fling to “come party” I said no. Was she explicitly asking for sex? No. Is there a possibility she would have expected things to go that way? Sure. So you say “no” and go about your business.
4. IF YOU DO FIND YOURSELF IN SUCH A SITUATION, THEN DON’T DO ANYTHING RASH.
Go “use the bathroom” if you have to, but take two minutes to think about the consequences of the actions you’re about to take. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, especially if you’re under the influence.
It’s very difficult to say “no” when you have an incredibly sexy man or woman in front of you starting to undress, beckoning you between the sheets.
So, you leave the room, take a few deep breaths, and decide what it is that you ought to do. Use reason to figure out if an hour of bliss is worth ruining what you’ve built over the years. If it is, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person anyway.
No, seriously. Go pop one off — ladies just as well — and then decide whether or not you still feel like cheating. I’m not going to lie… this method has saved me from making some poor judgment calls over the years.
We all have those people in our phones who we can text at anytime and have them come over. Unfortunately, they’re rarely, if ever, people we especially want to sleep with. During moments of weakness, we may consider contacting them.
In such cases, you simply need to take care of business yourself and watch your problem fade. I’m sure the same works when you’re in a relationship and someone you’d actually enjoy sleeping with contacts you.
When you’re horny, you’re horny. Rub one or two off and you’ll likely not feel like getting out of bed. Or, better yet, f*ck your lover instead.
6. NEVER STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS YOUR LOVER.
Stay curious both inside and outside of the bedroom. Do you know the difference between loving your mother and loving your man or woman? Passion.
You should be sure never to confuse or combine the two. Passion is what turns regular love into romantic love. Our lovers don’t want to be loved the way you love your best friend or your sister/brother.
They want you to be passionately in love with them. They want you to tear their clothes off and consume them whole. They don’t want to be your friend, they want to be a part of you. Don’t allow your curiosity to fade because when you do, you’re ruining everything.
Life isn’t worth living when you are no longer curious to see how it all works, to see what you can do and how far you can push. The very same goes for your love life.
7. JUST DON’T DO IT.
Insane concept — I know. The truth is that you are in control of your own actions. You are in control of the decisions you make and what results from them.
8. YOU DESIGN YOUR LIFE AND GUIDE YOUR DESTINY.
There are plenty of things in life that you have absolutely no control over — your decisions, thankfully, are not included in that list. If you want to be loyal then just be loyal. It’s the only reason you need.
Maybe, instead of spending so much time worrying about whether or not you should cheat, whether or not you are “truly” in love with this person, and whether or not the relationship is going anywhere, you should take some time to be a part of the relationship.
Some questions can’t be answered by reason alone. Some you need to live through to find. Be with that person or don’t be, but don’t cheat. It’s immoral.
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How To Let Someone Down Easy, Because It’s Easier Than You Think
At some point in your dating life, you’ll probably have to deal with rejecting someone. Whether it’s someone at a bar whose advances you simply ignore, or someone you’ve been on a few dates with but just aren’t feeling a connection with, rejection (both given and received) is a part of dating. Obviously, it’s never fun to reject someone or call things off, but if you’re wondering how to let someone down easy, it’s not as difficult as you might think. According to several experts, letting someone down with kindness is totally possible, and actually fairly easy.
Turns out, letting someone down might be more of an issue for you than for the other person involved. “The truth is letting someone down ‘easy’ is about you more than them,” Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method, tells Elite Daily. “It has more to do with your fear of confrontation, or hurting someone else, or dealing with any discomfort in yourself,” she explains. It’s a harsh truth, but a truth nonetheless.
Basically, if “you’re in a relationship that is not the best fit for you, you are delaying both of your relationship happiness” by not addressing it, Silva says. If you know you need to end things, but aren’t sure how, then Silva has some tips.
First of all, it’s crucial to remember that there’s “nothing wrong with someone emoting or being angry or heartbroken,” Silva says. “It is among the most transformative experiences in life because it allows you to be better prepared for a healthy relationship.” Accept your emotions, accept theirs, and be prepared to explain your reasoning.
“Be honest about your experience with them, but focus more on your reasons for not wanting to delude the person into a non-relationship,” Silva adds. “Focus less on character flaws or instances because those reasons might be perfectly fine for someone else, but it can cause the person to internalize negative feelings about who they are as a person.” For example, don’t say that you want to end things because they have a bad sense of humor, as Silva advises, but instead explain that you don’t think the two of you vibe well together. It’s a nicer way of getting the point across, in short.
Perhaps the most important thing when it comes to letting someone down easy is to be honest, as Pricilla Martinez, online life coach at Blush, tells Elite Daily. “Let them know that you are unable to meet their long-term needs or desires,” she explains. “Answer their questions as long as they are within reason. Do it face-to-face when possible. Think about how you would want someone to end a relationship with you.”
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and you’ll understand what Martinez means. If you were into someone but they didn’t feel the same way, would you want them to just ghost you? Or lie and say that they aren’t ready for a serious relationship before finding a new SO in a week? Probably not.
At the end of the day, “Most people prefer honesty over having their feelings protected (like children) because honesty assumes respect,” sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr tells Elite Daily. “With honesty, you’re saying ‘I respect you and therefore believe that you should know what is truly going on,’” she says.
As the saying goes, honesty truly is the best policy, so try to be as honest and respectful as possible when you let someone down, even if you only went on one date. You might not know how attached they really are to you, and nothing sucks more than being ghosted by someone you really thought you had a connection with.
If Your Partner Is Hiding Someone From You, Experts Say This Is How You’ll Know
From admitting you don’t actually like your boo’s favorite restaurant to establishing healthy sexual boundaries, relationships require a lot of open conversations. Don’t get me wrong: When you’re in a relationship, there’s usually a lot to talk about. But whether you and you boo are monogamous, monogam-ish, openly poly or just plain open, it’s important to remain on the same page about the role of other people in your relationship. No matter the nature of your romance, it can be incredibly painful to feel like your partner is hiding someone from you.
“There is no getting around the fact that it is painful to think that your partner may not be faithful,” Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent therapist in Los Angeles who has worked with couples for over 25 years, tells Elite Daily. “For many on the receiving end of infidelity, it is simply a bridge too far. For others, it is very possible that the emotional gap can be bridged.”
If you’ve been open and honest about seeing or not seeing people other than your partner, it can feel unspeakably difficult to feel like your partner is secretly seeing someone else. According to Dr. Brown, if you’ve come across some direct evidence that your boo is hiding someone, it can be helpful to approach them calmly in a private setting.
“I recommend that you simply approach them and let them know, in the least judgmental way possible, what it is you are observing or have discovered. Tell them how you are being impacted by what you see and let the conversation flow — or not flow from there,” Dr. Brown says. “Pay attention to their body language when you bring this up. You may learn a great deal in the first 30 seconds. Public venues such as restaurants are not conducive to having crucial conversations that are open and honest. Try to create a space where they can answer honestly if the worst is true.”
But how can you tell if our partner is hiding someone? According to Dr. Brown the way your boo uses or doesn’t use their phone can be a big give away. “If they used to keep their phone in plain sight, and now you realize that they are hiding it,” Dr. Brown says. “When they hear their phone vibrating and they suddenly go into another room. If they have dramatically changed their social media habits… and with no apparent reason. You should want and expect honesty. That doesn’t mean you will get it from your partner.”
As for signs that go beyond the phone screen, Dr. Brown shares that sensing wonky communication and less intimacy around sex or bed time can be signs as well. “Sex seems to have become perfunctory. They don’t seem emotionally or physically engaged when having sex. They avoid going to bed at the same time as you,” Dr. Brown shares. “Your partner use to be a good communicator but, lately, they are more withdrawn — perhaps even annoyed at your desire to want to connect with them.”
If you’re sensing another person is in the picture, Dr. Brown suggests bringing it up directly to your partner. “Our ability to trust our partner is based upon being honest. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship,” Dr. Brown shares. “It’s better to know the truth than to be further blindsided down the road.”
If you’re observing your partner being secretive with their phone or shady about their plans, and you’re starting to think there may be someone else in the picture, it may be helpful to address it sooner rather than later. If your partner confirms that they are seeing someone else, Dr. Brown suggests checking in about the structure of your relationship. “The level of betrayal can be excruciating if the person you have trusted turns out to not be worthy of your trust. The question that naturally arises is usually, ‘Can I/we recover from this?’ The answer is going to vary from one couple to the next.”
Of course, this isn’t to say that if your partner is displaying any of these signs — from abnormal phone usage to a disinterest in sex — that they are definitely hiding someone from you. It’s possible that your partner is dealing with a plethora of other issues that don’t directly pertain to you. This is why it’s crucial to open up a conversation about your suspicions in a non-judgmental manner before jumping to conclusions. As always, communication is key.
Put plainly: Thinking that your partner is hiding someone from your can feel awful. Open up a dialogue with them about your expectations, their behavior or anything else that has been bothering you. You deserve open communication and support in your relationship, and that is nothing to hide.
Should You Text Someone After They Ghosted You? Here’s What Experts Say Is The Best Move
To say that getting ghosted is a bummer is not exactly a hot take. But to me, the worst part of the whole thing isn’t the rejection — it’s feeling powerless and like I’ve lost control. So when it’s happened to me, I’ve been torn between just letting it go and saving my pride, and sending them a text screed along the lines of “How dare you!” While the latter is probably not the best idea, should you text someone after they ghosted you? Or are you really better off just letting it go and moving on?
Ghosting is hard because it’s a situation where you just really don’t have a lot of answers, so if you do decide to reach out again, you’re really at an informational disadvantage. Maybe something happened and they haven’t been reaching out because they really are busy. Or maybe they just weren’t feeling it but didn’t feel like taking the admittedly awkward step of saying so. The fact is you just don’t know. But is texting after they’ve disappeared actually going to give you a satisfactory answer? Honestly, it’s all just very confusing. So, to help clear things up a bit, I reached out to the experts for their advice on whether or not to text someone after they’ve pulled a Casper on you. Here’s what they had to say.
When someone just up and disappears, it can be really tempting to reach out. Even if it’s just to get an answer as to why they’ve stopped talking to you and to get some closure. But the experts agree: You shouldn’t bother texting a ghost. “They have sent a message by not having the decency to let you know they were not interested. There is no need to text them. What would you be texting them about, to confirm they are not interested in you? I think ghosting you in the first place sent that message,” Patti Sabla, a licensed clinical social worker, tells Elite Daily. “We teach people how to treat us. Accepting this behavior only allows the person to think that we condone this treatment,” she adds.
Amy North, online dating coach and resident women’s dating expert at LoveLearnings.com, tells Elite Daily that the cost of reaching out to someone who has ghosted you outweighs any benefit. “If someone ghosts you, you almost never gain anything by texting them. It won’t make you feel better. It won’t make them change their mind. People ghost because they’re afraid to have a real conversation about their feelings and that’s not someone you want to be with anyway,” she concludes.
While the experts generally don’t advise texting someone who has pulled a disappearing act, there are some exceptions to the rule. “There are three situations where you should reach out to someone after they ghost you,” says North. “If things were going well and it comes out of nowhere, if you’d been out more than four times and suddenly they disappear into thin air without explanation, or if they stand you up on a date. Do it for the next girl they date, to stop this ghostly cycle. Or even just to make sure they aren’t stuck in a well somewhere,” she adds. In those situations, she suggests a calm message letting them know how you feel. “Remember that your goal isn’t to win them back, or punish them for ghosting you. So, don’t swear at them or try to convince them to give you another chance,” North advises. “Calmly explain to them how it hurt you and that you wish they would have been up front about why they broke contact. If you can keep your cool then you’ll make them rethink their actions and maybe even apologize.”
If texting a ghost isn’t an option, what should you do? The experts say that, instead of worrying about someone who has decided to disappear out of your life without explanation, you should just focus on moving on and putting all that energy back into taking care of yourself. “Don’t take it personally,” Laurel House, celebrity dating coach and host of the Man Whisperer podcast, tells Elite Daily. “It’s also unnecessary to hold onto anger toward them, because that’s allowing them to be in control of your emotions. Don’t give them that. If you need time to emotionally heal, take the time. Do something that makes you feel happy, fulfilled, emotionally safe. Be selfish. Then get back out there and move on!”
If you’ve just started dating the ghost, they can be a lot easier to let go of. However, if this is someone you have an established relationship with, North says to take the time you need to heal. “There’s this empty space in your life with no explanation,” she admits. “If you can’t get them to respond, take solace in the fact that they’re unable to be honest and do the work that’s necessary to make a relationship work so you’re definitely better off without them.” On the other hand, if this was someone fairly new in your life, Poppy Spencer, licensed clinical professional counselor and certified relational expert, suggests you do two things. “Delete or block the phone number [and] hop back on Tinder or Bumble — and if the ‘ghoster’ pops up, definitely swipe left,” she tells Elite Daily.
In the end, giving up on a ghost and letting that bad energy go is the first step toward something better, as Kevon Owen, relationship counselor and licensed clinical psychotherapist, tells Elite Daily. His advice: “Embrace the ghost. Ghost them back and return to the relationships that value you more than to leave you. If it’s to avoid conflict, say goodbye to the cowards. If it’s because ghosting you was easier, say goodbye to the disrespectful. If it’s coming from a place of trying to protect your heart, take the gift. There are people who want to love and value you. Give your energy to them.”
While the mystery of why someone disappeared out of your life can be compelling and tempting, the experts are clear: Don’t text a ghost. Put down that phone. Better yet, pick it up and start looking for someone new — and better.